MORE DUMB STORIES PART 2
3-21-07
By Corky Carroll
A few weeks ago I started a little series on dumb things that people do and invited you, the most creative and tasteful readers on the planet, to send in your very own tales of woe and misdeeds. Here is Part two. The first entry this week comes from Richard Robinson.
“My story was a surf trip in 1979 to Brooks Street in Laguna Beach. Beautiful day, perfect 3 to 5 shaped day. This guy is sitting there in the lineup, you know the guy, mid 20's paddles out with his nose in the wax, not really surfing but struggling to just sit. Well all of a sudden this seal pops up right next to him and, before anyone could warn him, he sticks his hand out to pet this cute little seal. It bites him harder than any pit bull could, then barks at him and cruises off. Needless to say, dude got worked trying to make it shore and we all were laughing pretty hard.”
~~~~~~
Yeah, I hate those nasty seal bites. The next blunder, and this is a really smelly one so if you have a weak tummy pass over this, comes from a dude named Jim Sill.
“During the '60s my friends and I did enough dumb stuff to fill a Volkswagen van. For example: On a day when the tide was low, and the surf was next to nothin', my friends and I had some time on our hands so we decided to walk down the beach on the Belmont Shore peninsula where we lived. As Hootwiggle, Preacher and I (I was called The Sow in those days for reasons concerning personal hygiene) reached the jetty on 72nd place, we saw in the wet sand the biggest friggin' shovel nosed shark any of us had ever seen--at least five feet long, bloated and smellin' really ripe. We were really bored, and here was this big, ol' shark sittin' there, so I picked up a hefty rock to see if I could dent that fish. I raised it over my head and hurled it with all my might. It hit the shark broadside, and the shark instantly exploded with fetid, disintegrating meat and guts all over us. I looked at Preacher. He took a big gob across his face. Usually he was pretty quick to scream about stuff he didn't like, but all he could muster was kind of a low moan--probably a good thing since part of that gob was strung across his mouth. Hootwiggle desperately tried to wipe the decaying flesh off the front of him, but started to retch when he saw how it clung to his hands. Then they both exploded in their condemnation of me, using language as ripe as that fish. Despite multiple showers later that day, it still took several days for the odor to wear off.”
~~~~~~
Yep, that was no bueno for sure. And to cap off this week’s mishaps we have a story of a woman driver that comes from a guy who only identified himself as Gary.
“We got back to the boat ramp in Huntington Harbor after spending the day at Catalina. A guy and his wife/girlfriend/significant other are attempting to pull their boat out of the water. He gets on the dock and she is at the helm. Somehow the boat got away from the dock, she obviously didn't have much experience as she was gunning the engine and coming in at a 45-degree angle to the dock. After the guy pushes the bow away from the dock a couple of times to prevent a collision, he tells her to go get the truck and he would pull the boat onto the trailer. She gets the truck and after several attempts, backs the trailer down to the water. The trouble was she just kept going, stuff started floating out of the truck bed! She kept going, everybody started yelling STOP! STOP! By the time she stopped the water was up to the engine. By this time she was pretty upset, saying, "You didn't tell me when to stop"! He says something like "It's OK honey". Luckily there was a guy there with a four-wheel drive who hooked on to their truck and pulled it out, as water was pouring out of the doors!!! I regretted not having a video camera that day. I think that one would have gotten me $10,000 on America’s funniest video.”
~~~~~
Hey, I did that once myself. Ok folks, your turn. Send me your funniest dumb surf adventure tale.
DROPING IN DEAD GUYS ~ The Wave
3-21-07
By Corky Carroll
Those of you who have been with me for a while may remember a column I did about a year ago on a dude named “Olla” Bob. Olla Bob is a long time surf dude and also a Botanist who is in charge of all the plants at the Living Desert Zoo in Palm Springs. To say the Olla Bob is normal would be a real stretch. He is sort of like the “anti-normal.” I love the guy. He has stories on top of stories that totally crack me up.
Olla Bob is visiting me right now. As he is nearing sixty years old he is planning for what happens to him when he dies. He has this plan where he wants to be totally wrapped in duct tape and paddled out on a good day at Malibu. Then on a big set he wants to be pushed into a wave in front of at least four guys coming down. He wants someone to get a photo of that and submit it to SURFER magazine in the hopes that it makes the page in the back called “SURFER EXTRA.” He wants the caption to read, “It's gotten so crowded even dead guys are dropping in.” He figures this is his only chance to ever make it into SURFER magazine. The funny, or not, thing is that he is dead serious about this.
Last night we were sitting on my deck and Olla Bob was telling stories. He used to install security systems before he became a Botanist. He was telling how one time he and another guy installed a system for Neil Diamond. For the fun of it they installed a sensor on the bottom of the toilet seat in Neil's bathroom. Right after they left the house it seemed that Neil must have had to use the toilet for a “number one” and when he lifted the seat all the alarms in the house went off. Olla Bob and his pal thought this was totally funny but I guess when they went back in to fix it Neil was not all that amused.
He also put one in for a dude named Bob Hewes. This dude had a really giant and very expensive home. Olla Bob has never been one to be shy about things and he asked Mr. Hewes how he got all his money. So the dude tells Olla Bob that when he got out of the Navy in Hawaii right after World War II he had some money and bought an old fishing boat. But he didn't know anything about fishing so he traded the fishing boat for a dilapidated old fruit cannery. There was a bunch of fruit left but not enough of any one thing to do anything with. So, as the guy explained it to Olla Bob, he took all the fruit and squished it all up together and added a ton of water. It was about 10% fruit and 90% water when he got finished with it. It tasted good so he canned it and put it on the market as “Hawaiian Punch.”
So I am thinking wow, so that's the dude who invented Hawaiian Punch. I always liked that stuff. And I thought it would be a good story. But for some insane reason, that I can't explain, something inside me, must have been my very suppressed journalistic urge to do research and find the hidden truths, told me to check this story out. So, I Googled Bob Hewes. I got some dude who lived in the 1700's. Couldn't have been him. Then I Googled Hawaiian Punch. According to a website I found on the history of Hawaiian Punch it was invented in 1934 as an ice cream topping.
I showed this to Olla Bob and he was crushed. He had basked in the glory of having met the inventor of Hawaiian Punch for the past twenty-five years and now he finds out that he had been fed a fabrication. Poor dude.
But he can find solace in the fact that he himself is the dude who is in the process of inventing the “smoke while you sleep” machine. Olla Bob is a chain smoker and has come up with a mask to wear when you sleep that chain lights a whole pack of cigarettes so that you don't have to waste good smoking hours by sleeping. I told you he is the “anti-normal.”