SLANDER JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT

By Corky Carroll

The other night I was sitting here with my two pals Blue Dog Metcalf and the Iguana.  We were talking about different people that we have known through the years and telling stories and all that kinda stuff ya do when sitting around with amigos.   It was funny how most of the stories would be about these great friends of ours or somebody classic in the surfing world.  But every so often somebody would creep into the conversation that either we didn’t like much or we thought was totally uncool or somethin’.  

That is when we started talking about how much fun it is to just really rag on somebody big time.  To just slander them so bad that even their dog gets red in the face and their great, great, great grandmother lets out a moan in her grave. Label them with every bad tag adjective in the book.  Geek, jerk, dork, dweeb, dimwit, butthead, idiot, moron, twit, nerd, wannabe, stupid, clueless, dogbreath, fat, skinny, ugly, hairy, hairless, chicken, wavehog, hopeless, pinhead, pencil neck, red neck, no neck, fat head, gutless, valley cowboy, inland kuk, greasy hodad, dog faced, butt faced, cow faced, frog faced, hog breath, air head, hot head, smarmy, stinking, smelly, fat belly, flat footed, wrong footed, uncoordinated, uneducated, uncouth, un-kept, unclean, under a rock, egg headed, pizza faced, lipless, no personality, no sense of humor, no brain, deadhead, snake, pig, cow, bottom dwelling, bottom feeder, shark, squid, rank, hair lip, ear haired, nose haired, rat, mouse, downer, creep,  classless, irritating, foul, lowlife, no-life, horrid, embezzle and on and on and on.   If I wasn’t on deadline I am sure I could come up with many more all time favorite put down words; or, if this wasn’t a family orientated newspaper.  Not that I ever swear mind you…   but I have heard some very colorful nasty word put downs too.   Oh yeah, there is another one.  Nasty.  He was just so nasty looking…  or, nasty smelling… of just plain nasty.    He was a nasty man.  That is why everyone called him “nasty man,”   His hair was so nasty.  And his face was just nasty. 

And because we can all surf fairly well, even for geezers.. see there is another one..geezer, we always like to rag on guys who think they can surf but can’t.  “That smelly ugly nasty man geek thought he could surf, but he was such a clueless inland fat valley cowboy geek that even his one legged sister with the hair lip and pizza face could out surf him any day of the year.”   Man this is so much fun.

Of course I am sure that we are on many peoples free to belittle list too.  I know I am.  I have been put down by the best of them at one time or another and proud of it.  More power to them.  Actually this is true.  One of the very best put down artists that I ever knew was this dude from Huntington Beach named Tommy Leonardo.  “Leonardo the Lip” he was called.  Also “Top mouth on the coast.” This dude hated me.  Why?  I never knew.  But he did.  He once was quoted in a surf magazine saying, “I hate his guts and he knows it.”  But I was lucky that his predecessor, the late Chuck Dent, liked me.   If he ever verbally abused me I didn’t know about it.  He probably did, but at least I didn’t have to hear it.  Chuck was really good at really embarrassing people walking down the street in Huntington Beach where he had a surf shop.  He would stand out in front of his shop and hold court with the local wannabes.  Any passerby was in jeopardy.  Especially homely looking girls.   He would verbally scar them for life.  It was sad really, but also really entertaining.

I really wish that I were one of those people that “never said a bad word about anybody in their life.”  I really do.  We all like to think of ourselves as really cool people, even if we aren’t.   But, I know the awful truth about myself.  I am just another average clown who thinks that by making others seem less that it will make me feel like more.  It’s a lie, but one that many of us fall into believing because we are stupid.  We were all created equal.  But, as we grow some of us become cool and some of us don’t.  It is the law of nature. 

BADGE OF HONOR ~ THE WAVE

by Corky Carroll

Surf Clubs used to be huge in Southern California in the early 1960’s.   Then, along with many other cool things that had to do with surfing, they pretty much disappeared in the 1970’s.   But it seems that they are coming back now and I am stoked to see that.

I can still remember my very first surf club sweatshirt.  I got it sometime in the late 1950’s.  What a cool thing that was.  I lived in Surfside and there where about 8 or 10 of us that lived there and surfed then.  In Seal Beach they had a surf club called the “Seal Beach Surfers.” It was a really active club with meetings and dues and officers and the whole nine foot six inches.  That was until somebody took off to Hawaii with all the club dues. 

We thought that having a surf club was pretty cool idea. So one day we all got together and somebody’s mom drove us all up to Belmont Shores to this place that did embroidery.  After much debate over colors and lettering styles we ordered these white sweatshirts with black Old English lettering that said “Surfside Surfers” on the back.  And they had each of our first names on the front.  We never really had a club though, just the sweatshirts.  I remember how cool I felt walking around with that thing on.  I probably lived in that thing one whole summer.  White did not turn out to be the best choice of colors though.  I think that my mom washed mine with one of her red dresses one time and turned it pink.  After that I didn’t wear it so much.

Later I was a member of a huge surf club from San Diego called the “Windansea Surf Club.”  That was a very happening club and we had very cool jackets.  It was such a badge of honor to have a Windansea Surf Club jacket.  I think I wore mine until it was in shreds.  That club had most of the best surfers in it from Dana Point south to San Diego.  Making the surf team for club events was really hard because there were so many great surfers.  I remember being crushed one year because I didn’t get picked to surf in the big club contest up at Malibu.  I was a goofy-foot, right foot forward, and Malibu is right hand point break.  So they only picked guys that were regular foot.  But I was on the paddle race team so it wasn’t all bad. 

So anyway, I am glad to see surf clubs starting to really happen again.  One of the clubs that really seems to be going strong is the Doheny Surf Club out of the Dana Point area.  I just found out about a very cool event that they are putting on this coming weekend, September 23rd and 24th.  It is the 17th Annual Dale Velzy Surf Classic and Luau.  It will be held at Doheny State Beach in Dana Point. 

The surfing contest is open to all surf clubs and will run from 9 A.M. to 3 P.M. on Saturday and from 6:30 A.M. to 3 P.M. on Sunday.  The Luau starts at 3 P.M. on Saturday.

I personally love to go to the Luaus at these events.  They are always really fun and have great food and drinks.  This one features Polynesian dancers and the Eliminators Surf Band.  Those dudes are as good as it gets with classic style surf music. 

Entry fees for the surf contest are $75 and you get a contest t-shirt and admission to the Luau.  Tickets for the Luau are $30.   The contest is limited so it is on a first to pay gets to play basis.

Along with the surfing contest is a paddleboard event.  It will take place on Saturday and has three different races.  There will be one mile, four mile and 8 mile distances.  Entry fee for the paddle races is $65 and includes a t-shirt and admission to the Luau.

The event is named in honor of the late and very great surf pioneer Dale Velzy.  Known as “the Hawk,” Velzy was huge in the development of the modern surfboard as well as the surfboard industry. 

If you need additional information regarding this event, please email the Contest Director, Mark Calkins: MC250C@aol.com